So I've been trying to post a blog for a bit now, but just haven't been feeling like sitting in front of the computer when I come home at night. I will post some stuff I've been working on soon. I've been trying to work on the baby book when I come home. I've just been sort of blocked lately. I think I'm depressed. In December, I had something come up in my life and it spiraled me into a pretty deep depression. I scrapped a lot during December thru February and completed some projects. That was a good feeling. I think I've managed to come out of the deep part of the depression, but I think I'm still slightly depressed. I'm not sure how to get myself out of it completely.
It's a beautiful day outside and I feel guilty staying in, but have no idea what to go out and do, besides take a walk downtown, perhaps.
My temp position ended on Friday. I let my agency know that it ended and asked them to call me back, so we could figure out what I'm gonna do on Monday. They didn't call me back. I guess that kind of makes me nervous. I did sign up with another agency. I have an appointment on Wednesday. It sounds like that will be a good deal if I can get into something awesome. Part of the problem is I have no clue what I want to do for a "day job". I can do lots of different things and am a good employee, but I am not one of those people who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. At some point.... I distinctly remember listing the three things I wanted to be when I grew up. They were: a) doctor, b) dentist, c) fashion designer. It's much to late for me to go to school for any of these things, so that's kind of lame.
Anyway, I won't go on about that stuff right now.
I also had some interesting interactions with men over the past couple weeks. I'll spare the details, but will tell one story. I was talking to a friend (who I dated a while back)
Our conversation went sort of like this:
He asked "do you miss me? yes or no?"
I said "sometimes."
He said "it's a yes or no answer."
I said "no, it's not. sometimes I miss you. Usually when I'm going to sleep at night."
He said "oh, I see how it is."
Then he said (and this caught me off guard) "do you love me?"
I said nothing as I was pondering this.... I started to answer "sometimes." but before I could get that out....
He said "I mean, I know you're in love with me, but do you love me."
I didn't know what to say. My initial reaction is ... "I don't know." Then I get sort of defiant.... like, "Who are you to tell me who I am in love with or who I love?"
We chatted for a while after that. I should say, I think he'd been out drinking, so this isn't a typical conversation for us....
The honest answer is, I have no idea what love is (how sad is that?). I mean, I do love my family. I love my friends... but when it comes to "romantic" relationships with the opposite sex, I have no clue what it means to be in love. I think I gave up on romantic love long ago.
I was married when I was 22. I stayed with him for 6 years, but at some point we grew in two different directions. I moved out and we separated and two years later finalized our divorce.
I remain friends with him to this day. I honestly don't know if we were in love. I mean, true love (how could I just simply walk away if we were in love?). I will say he is one of my best friends. I do know him very well, though and appreciate having his friendship. In the four years since I left my ex-husband, I've been kind of anti-relationship. I did date a boy steadily for almost a year during that time. I knew I wasn't in love, though. It seems cruel to say, but I don't mean it in a cruel way. I just simply knew we weren't a good match. Although, we did have lots of fun and it was an exciting time in my life. I actually was at the store with my neighbor the other night and randomly bumped into this particular ex (we live in the same neighborhood).
It was nice to chat with him for a few. We talked about music and life and what's
going on with us. I said that to say, I always try to stay on good terms with my exes. I always want their friendship even if the "love" part of the relationship ends.
Guess that I don't really have a point for this blog.... it's just a bunch of random blurbs.
I'll try and make more sense later.
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